Grief and loss
Dealing with grief takes time, but there are ways to get through the day and help is at hand, say CAPT Rebekah Doley and CHAP Bob McKennay.

People deal with grief in different ways – not only when a death occurs, but because of events such as divorce, miscarriage, loss of a relationship, job, possessions or home.

Photo by AB Brenton Freind.

AT SOME time in life, most people need to deal with grief. Death is not the only loss that causes people to grieve.

Events such as divorce, miscarriage, loss of a relationship, job, possessions, or home can also cause grief. Grief is a simple word to describe a complex and often bewildering reaction experienced following a significant loss.

The grief process involves a range of emotional, physical and/or behavioural reactions that can leave people feeling helpless, overwhelmed with sadness, confused and/or angry. There is no right or wrong way to cope with grief.

Common reactions
Grief is a complex process. Initially people may feel numb, disbelief, and shock. A person may continue doing things for a person who has left or died. This helps to protect people from the intense hurt of the loss.

They are surprised the world continues unchanged, when they feel that their world has been shattered. As days, weeks and months pass some of these initial reactions will pass as other stages of grief follow.

Some common reactions are:

Physical
Physically a person’s body may ache with tension. They may experience stomach pains, headaches, changes in appetite, poor sleep and low energy and motivation. Other reactions may include crying, breathlessness, nausea, agitation and restlessness. People may also be particularly susceptible to minor illness.

Emotional/psychological
Some people experience things they feel may be bizarre, such as seeing their loved one’s face in a crowd, crying when they smell their favourite scent, and keepsakes and reminders of the loved one may be treasured.

It is very common for people after a sudden loss to imagine the “what if’s”. People may even feel guilty or blame themselves for the loss.

It is not uncommon for people to try to make deals with God to return the person who is gone. People may feel their lives have lost a purpose and some bereaved people describe wanting to die themselves.

Other common reactions include poor concentration, fear, panic, depression, guilt, anger, sadness and they may withdraw from friends and family.

Strategies to cope

• ask for help and support from family members or a support group;
• tell people what helps and what doesn’t;
• talk with others who have experienced loss and grief;
• recognise feelings, be forgiving and patient with yourself;
• use writing, art and music to express feelings;
• give yourself time – there is no set time-frame for the grief process;
• seek professional help if needed;
• expect that while every day will get better, along the way there will be good and bad days;
• maintain a healthy diet as the immune system can be significantly affected when people are grieving and often they may not feel like eating.

• Be cautious. Grief cannot be sidestepped or cured by medication, alcohol or drugs. However, it may be appropriate to talk to a medical practitioner if symptoms persist.
• Try to avoid distracting yourself by keeping extraordinarily busy.
• Making significant changes in life, such as moving house or changing jobs, are best to avoid. Instead, talk about the loss and remember loved ones in ways that are meaningful.

• listen: let them tell their story over and over;
• allow them to express their feelings without criticism or judgement;
• provide time for them to grieve;
• understand that each person grieves differently;
• encourage them to express their memories of the deceased person;
• help with daily tasks because these chores become less of a priority for grieving people;
• talk about your own sadness for their loss and mention the deceased person’s name without fearing that it will upset the bereaved person;
• realise that sometimes it is important just to listen without having answers to questions such as “why”;
• reassure and be aware of the common reactions to grief and reassure the person that their response is normal and is part of the healing process;
• remember that grief may resurface at other significant times, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas.

• be aware of common grief reactions (see far left). Irritability, mood changes, frustration and angry outbursts are not uncommon;
• sometimes people fear being criticised by their colleagues for their reaction. It is important to encourage the bereaved person to talk about their feelings and to encourage others to accept grief reactions;
• when a bereaved person returns to work, do not ignore them because of your own feelings or out of a fear of saying the “wrong” thing. Words of condolence can offer the bereaved person a great deal of support;
• it may be necessary to give the bereaved person some extra consideration if there are significant workrelated demands at the time they return. Shift changes, overtime, and additional responsibilities may need to be approached cautiously while the bereaved person is adjusting to the grief process. This is particularly the case if a spouse has died, resulting in increased domestic burdens on the surviving spouse;
• some people attempt to cope with their intense grief by throwing themselves into work. It is important to recognise that while being busy may help time pass for them, it is not a useful long-term strategy;
• self-esteem can be shaken during the grief process as people face a range of reactions they may not have experienced previously. Reasonable expectations, some flexibility where possible, and personal encouragement can do a lot to assist people.

• local medial centres;
• psychology support sections;
• chaplains;
• Defence Community Organisation;
• All Hours Support Line, phone 1800 628 036 or if outside Australia 61 2 9425 3878;
• Lifeline, phone 131114;
• Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service, phone 1800 011 046;
• www.defence.gov.au/dpe/dhs.

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